Fuck That, It’s Gonna Be a Bloodbath: The 100 Best Songs of 2024
Undeath on the beat hoe
Birds of a feather: Billie Eilish and Megan Thee Stallion
I prefer not to add to the burden of the 98 paragraphs you’re about to read with a long-winded premable. But I’ll quickly explain that these are not, strictly speaking, the 100 best songs released in 2024. They’re the 100 best isolated song experiences of 2024. If there was a great track this year that I only listened to over and over because I listened to its entire parent album over and over, you won’t see it on this list. Ergo, listing eight different selections from Born in the U.S.A. 40 years ago would’ve been illegal, nor do I believe in turning a songs list into a runoff cheat list for albums and clogging it the best song apiece from a bunch of favorite full-lengths that didn’t squeeze in. Every single one of those will be represented there. These are only songs that went into heavy rotation outside of album context, and in 2024, there’s a bit more overlap with the forthcoming Best Albums list than I’d normally deem acceptable, because things are just more complicated in the biggest pop year of the decade by far. If someone wants to make a (fucking awesome) playlist of all these, be my guest ‘cause I ain’t got a guy for that.
100. Drake, “Family Matters”
For once, 69 God understood the assignment and the pressure on him was so great he actually squeezed out a diamond. For 30 minutes, he got to enjoy the fruits of feeling himself one last time and it’s to his credit we can feel it too. Then it fell apart. Maybe he’ll still prove too big to fail, but for once the world he ruled for too long agreed it was too little, too late.
99. Being Dead, “Rock n’ Roll Hurts”
As far as messy ADHD fits go, more heart and harmony than the Fiery Furnaces ever bothered with.
98. Denzel Curry, Lazer Dim 700 & Bktherula, “Still in the Paint”
I wouldn’t mind if Denzel only released killer posse cuts ‘til the end of time, or if he kept rapping like this.
97. Sky Ferreira, “Leash”
Masochism could turn out to be a lot worse than an entire album’s worth of “Don’t Forget.”
96. Eminem feat. Big Sean & BabyTron, “Tobey”
Always an innovator, Mr. White America successfully lobbies for a chorusectomy at a time when most rappers need a hook donor. It’s so fucking stupid and repeats so many times for so long and yet my bleeding brain pounds for more. No, not more “TobeyMaguirewasbitbyaspiderbutmeitwasagoat.” More turnt-up Big Sean. More BabyTron sitting up straight. More of that goofy-gothic loop. More having the balls to pick on Melle Mel instead of low-hanging edgelord fruit.
95. Undeath, “Cramped Caskets (Necrology)”
Just because More Insane didn’t electrocute me for a whole album like the miracle they were the first death metal band to ever manage in 2022 doesn’t mean they landed zero hits. This one gets stuck in my head; what more can you ask from these chuds? Fun live, too.
94. Star Bandz, “Yea Yea”
Wiping your hands across the MIDI keyboard and calling it jazz remains an undefeated beat cheat.
93. Juicy J, “The Bottom Line”
Speaking of “jazz” pivots, whatever tricks Juicy J into exploring beauty (and politics) like this works for me.
92. Horse Jumper of Love, “Wink”
A guitar highlight of end-stage shoegaze for melodic rather than textural reasons! OK, maybe a couple textural reasons.
91. FKA twigs, “Eusexua”
Having deemed her finally listenable on Caprisongs, this is where I say she finally holds her own with the beat. But I’m chagrined to agree with the murmurs from her faithful that the follow-up was conventional.
90. Justin Timberlake feat. Tobe Nwigwe, “Sanctified”
His personality having revealed to be worse and worse each year, I’m happy to quantize him to the grid on this blues-with-lol-metal-breaks and is that some kind of digital marimba? In any case, the best pop song to ever include the words “fecal matter.”
89. Polo G, “Barely Holdin’ On”
Sappier than vintage Goodie Mob and just as soulful.
88. Usher, “Big”
I’m also a B.I.G. fan of the surprisingly subdued “I Am the Party,” but this is the real pick hit from his Super Bowl victory lap. Biggie quotes, cruise-ship Maceo horns, flatulent keytar bass, “bring a friend girl, you know I love sandwiches,” all deployed to praise the size of his girls, his dick, and, implicitly, his balls. He is the party.
87. Chubby and the Gang, “Since You Said Goodbye”
I miss the Gang, which the ambitiously talented Charlie Manning-Walker could still lead judging by his excellent work in the Chisel. His less effortless-sounding now-solo project may have wound down into kind of a singles act, but oh, what singles. This one’s a reminder that White Crosses is one of the two best Against Me! albums.
86. Future, “Made My Hoe Faint”
Reaching that hallowed career apex where the best titles = the best content.
85. Chief Keef, “Treat Myself”
The godfather of whatever he’s a godfather of celebrates his victory-lap era with — what else? — the occasional proof of his stature.
84. Billie Eilish, “Birds of a Feather”
Sometimes even the brainrot-era masses know subtle better than I do.
83. Charli XCX feat. Billie Eilish, “Guess”
There’s no way Billie’s sexuality is not more messed-up than her most conventional pop year lets on, but this Kim Gordon-ready sprechgesang-to-undies is a good indicator of health.
82. A$AP Rocky, “Tailor Swif”
Dreamy Vice-era Harry Fraud blog-rap lives!
81. Sabrina Carpenter, “Busy Woman”
Not as seismic as Olivia’s own hilariously difficult-to-own Secret Tracks but to turn it down for Short N’ Sweet, well, that’s just unethical. “Needless to Say” (“how’s the weather in your mother’s basement?”) could’ve occupied this slot, too.
80. GloRilla, “TGIF”
Is it crazy a rap lyricist this ordinary gets to enjoy such a run of chest-beating hits? Only if you forgot all the men who got to do it first.
79. Metro Boomin & Future feat. Kendrick Lamar, “Like That”
Give it up for the moment all of rap revolted against Drake’s hatefully mid regime overseeing a truly insufferable decade of negative growth and diminishing returns that only increased artistically in volume, both ways: numerous and shrill. Better late than never.
78. Eric Slick, “Lose Our Minds”
The linchpin of my very short-lived outfit Cinderblock in the summer of seventh grade (followed by the seminal duo Overchortle) has since gone on to pound skins for legends local (Dr. Dog) and global (T. Swift). But this lovingly nerdy nugget of Byrned-out dystopian funk is my favorite thing he’s ever done, and we’re gonna need it. As a people nowhere near our final time losing our minds, might as well dance if we’re up all night with apocalyptic thoughts anyway.
77. Tyler, the Creator feat. Doechii, “Balloon”
Chromakopia is the first Tyler album everyone agrees don’t sound young no more, and you know what that means: Drake-style wave-riding. Better this culture vulture scoop up Doechii than Dr. Luke’s pal.
76. Knocked Loose feat. Poppy, “Suffocate”
All I know about metalcore is that I’d know more if it always ripped this good. The best rock’n’roll year in recent memory even elevated Knocked Loose, who should hire Poppy as their full-time Nico.
75. Skaiwater, “Play”
I don’t get how they secured their Fader and Pitchfork success; sounds pretty conventional to me. But a 2024 beat this jubilant without going to the 8-bit well is news.
74. Katy the Kyng, “Go Fuck Yourself”
Now I have more context: A weirdo with Marc Ribot on call only writes foulmouthed retro-pop killers when she wants to. Plenty more will come from that.
73. Rema, “Ozeba”
My introduction to “Afrorave,” which on this evidence sounds to me like Kendrick in take-no-prisoners “Squabble Up” mode squaring off against amapiano log-drum synths. And like Kendrick, I wouldn’t bet many of his peers approach this intensity.
72. Cursive, “Bloodbather”
Luigi’s theme.
71. AI for the Culture, “I Caught Santa Claus Sniffing Cocaine”
If a soul as inhumane as XXXTentacion could pen the occasional life-affirming melody, why not a computer with a prompt and a dream? Let it snow.
70. Che, “Pizza Time”
If you’re a fellow rap outsider perplexed to see names like 454 and Bladee being canonized out of the blue, here’s one you can prepare for. Sayso is a pretty good album of decreasingly abnormal gamer-noise-collage rap; this is both more good and more abnormal.
69. Billie Eilish, “Lunch”
From “tastes like she might be the one” to “it’s a craving not a crutch,” a whole album of wobbly, ruined-panties disco is all we ask.
68. Tyla feat. Gunna & Skillibeng, “Jump”
For whatever reason, practitioners of Afrobeats have too light a touch; maybe they’re trying to match the airy rhythms. So this is a just-perfect corrective that earns its amapiano and belatedly enters the long-puzzling Gunna into my canon as a bonus.
67. Kali Uchis feat. Peso Pluma, “Igual Que Un Ángel”
From Miguel’s “Caramelo Duro” to Orquídeas’ twin peaks with Rauw Alejandro and especially this glimmering slice of when-in-doubt-disco with pop’s biggest mullethead (now that Morgan Wallen’s gotten a haircut), I’m ready for her duets LP. Hell, Morgan Wallen is too.
66. St. Vincent, “Broken Man”
Did Sleater-Kinney teach her how to rock? Or was that Olivia Rodrigo? Because this sounds like To Bring You My Love sung by Corin Tucker and remixed by Janelle Monáe with drum fills by Dave Grohl. That last one is literal — he’s the drummer.
65. Bladee, “Otherside”
Words fail even the stans to explain Bladee’s appeal and I’ve never understood what I’m supposed to hear in him either. But of course I understand a great, euphoric, cheesy rage beat. And now I understand one can lift anybody.
64. Los Campesinos!, “Moonstruck”
I preferred this youthful seven-piece 15 years ago — with more gender parity in their gang vocals and more glockenspiel doubling their guitar hooks. But the DIY miracle of their comeback All Hell is nevertheless one of the feel-good stories of 2024 after a seven-year absence, and this Pleased to Meet Me-charged highlight is its most carefree ripper.
63. Clairo, “Sexy to Someone”
I told you to wake me when she got good! Fuck. How much did I miss?
62. Megan Thee Stallion feat. Spiritbox, “TYG”
A nü-metal leap that even Rico Nasty has yet to make with far fewer investors at stake.
61. Geordie Greep, “Holy, Holy”
Enthralled by an album requiring extraordinary technical skill and performance energy, I pledged to continue listening to it until more was to be grokked. That may still happen one day; it’s easier to soak up 63 minutes of throbbing cluster-headache post-rock for incel Disney villains when the call of year-ends aren’t breathing down your neck. In the meantime, I’m going to take a page from everyone else who got that one riot they needed and set aside the rest. Maybe this could even be cut down, too.
60. Magdalena Bay, “Image”
One cohort whose pop priorities differ from mine (ex: Mitski) has put this in the AOTY conversation and another (ex: Bladee) says it’s for Chairlift fans. As someone perpetually disconnected from all three of those signifiers, I watched them on Kimmel hoping to glean more and was delighted to learn “Image” was indeed a banger when isolated. This trick has yet to work for much else on Imaginal Disk.
59. Gel, “Martyr”
Anybody can play hardcore, but how many bands can conjure L7’s Hungry for Stink?
58. Maggie Rogers, “Never Going Home”
Third LP by the most famous person I’ve ever worked with is still strong, sane, and as Brad correctly observes, neither pop nor rock enough to have withstood Brat Summer. That is, she’s able to fill Philly’s Wells Fargo Center and Coldplay brings her out to cover T. Swift but her bangers profoundly Can’t Be Memed. Spoofing Miley’s worst-selling album could be a step in that direction, but I’m just spitballing, you can have that one for free. Unless you want to throw something my way, haha! Really awesome to run into you, we should really catch up sometime! I know, I know, you’re busy, it’s cool.
57. BigXthaPlug, “Mmhmm”
This Big K.R.I.T. for the 2020s broad-brushes his Biggie baritone with soul-even-blues samples and Detroit breathlessness. So naturally I find him most irresistible shamelessly jacking “Miami.”
56. Teen Jesus and the Jean Teasers feat. Softcult, “Dull”
One of those guess-the-era anachronisms I love, like “Damn Daniel” or the Aces’ “Last One.” When exactly would this have stormed alternative radio? 1998? Early 2000s? A timeline where we don’t succumb to the capitalist drown?
55. Megan Thee Stallion, “Find Out”
Her deep cuts are quietly improving as her hits succumb just slightly to the grind.
54. Post Malone feat. Ernest, “Devil I’ve Been”
What’s the best tune on F-1 Trillion? “Guy for That.” What’s the second-best tune on F-1 Trillion? The one that sounds the most like “Guy for That.” Mr. Most-Diamond-Certified-Songs is a man who understands the algorithm. And formula.
53. Sophie feat. Cecile Believe, “My Forever”
On an endless posthumous totem I’m pretty sure was a mistake, devoid of her deftness and sense of play among other human touches, one totemic pop song worthy of her genius emerges towards the finish in a year that wasn’t lacking in worthy tributes.
52. Jade, “Angel of My Dreams”
Seeing as Little Mix’s “Black Magic” and Girls’ Generation’s “I Got a Boy” are very possibly my two favorite songs of the 2010s, I’m unusually equipped to receive Jade’s thrilling solo debut that evokes the most ambitiously unstable concoctions of decade-ago K-Pop. But unlike those two precedents, this doesn’t feel like an insurmountable peak. Great for her, less for the song. Which is nonetheless very, very promising.
51. Mello Buckzz, “Move”
So that’s what juke is.
50. Metro Boomin, “BBL Drizzy”
The feel-good, roll-credits music for a year that should have ended months ago.
49. Doechii feat. JT, “Alter Ego”
Even a 19-song debut “mixtape” didn’t have enough room for everything she can do, hell, everything she wanted to do, in 2024 alone. Demonic swamp-hip-house with a City Girl on the airboat? That’s just one of her alters.
48. Bad Moves, “Outta My Head”
Like Sheer Mag, their confidently unfashionable power-pop has built-in brains simply from growing up in a time (in D.C. no less) where “social control masquerading as virtue” and “when they see you as a vessel and not as a person” are unfortunate realities for anyone threatened with physical harm for trying to protest or abort. You’re not wrong for looking at those quotes and figuring the catchiest tune among “Eviction Party” or “New Year’s Reprieve” might be more personal: “I can’t get the part where you fucked up out of my head.”
47. Maxo Kream, “No Then You a Hoe”
Who said rappers don’t tell stories anymore?
46. Xaviersobased, “Need Me”
The only song that convinces me I need him.
45. Fontaines D.C., “Favourite”
Spirited band turned dour band turned what-are-they band turns out a pop gem apropos of nothing more than any of these other developments. In the grand tradition of Bloc Party, and this is their “I Still Remember.”
44. Latto, “Brokey”
With City Girls dearly departed, someone had to take over the you’re-too-poor-to-fuck-me beat.
43. This Is Lorelei, “I’m All Fucked Up”
Between My Idea and Water From Your Eyes, Nate Amos has had a hand in far more weird-pop songs worth your time than year-end validations have caught up with, and he’s quickly shedding the weird part. Turns out that still leaves quite a bit to celebrate.
42. Camila Cabello feat. Playboi Carti, “I Luv It”
Freakshow chorus straddles Jersey club drums and hyperpop synths without much setup from the verse, so if it wants to throw in a “Lemonade” interpolation (that’s Gucci, not Cowboy Carter) after, why not? You best believe I’m in love L-U-V.
41. Tems, “Burning”
Feels like “Afropop star pivoting to R&B becomes less bland, more pretty” should be the other way around, no?
40. GloRilla, “Yeah Glo!”
If only all trap beats fulfilled their destiny when you Play Loud but I’ll take it. Someone’s got to stop this trend of mixing everything inaudibly except the drums and vocals, this particular mic-melter notwithstanding.
39. Rapsody feat. Lil Wayne, “Raw”
Maybe my lifelong taste for an hour-plus of boom-bap has finally run its course, but I’m still waiting for the right mood to properly enjoy the new, rapturously received Please Don’t Cry as much as I did Laila’s Wisdom and especially Eve. I couldn’t be less shocked that the exception to grab me early has her trading ODB-quoting bars with the loosiest-goosiest grandmaster of them all.
38. Yard Act, “Dream Job”
“Lay waste to your superiors to lighten the mood / Or kowtow to your inferiors for fear you’ll look rude” is a class analysis David Byrne was too hip-to-be-square for.
37. AyooLii, “Talkalot”
In which DIY YouTube data-dump rap’s crown dumbass confirms he’s also its best beatmaker. If he was at all motivated to transmute these gifts into Actual Songs he’d be too powerful.
36. Shellac, “I Don’t Fear Hell”
Everyone’s already more or less said the same thing: for a man incapable of artifice to go out with this Bowiean finale may be proof there’s a hell after all. But I doubt he’s in it. His drum sound was a vice too rich for the sinners.
35. Cash Cobain feat. Ice Spice & Bay Swag, “Fisherrr (Remix)”
Uhh if quote-unquote “sexy drill” is about to make the whole Hot 100 sound like DJ Rashad’s Double Cup, lube me the fuck up. And if Ice Spice keeps comparing her pussy to things like fuckin’ Danimals, I might just have to regard her as a lyricist. Even if she needs a diaper.
34. Zach Top, “Ain’t That a Heartbreak”
From the unpromising title Cold Beer & Country Music hails this riotous exception, a harbinger of something far more sturdy and audacious to come than Garth nostalgia.
33. GloRilla, “Stop Playing”
Don’t know how Playboi Carti and Big Glo ended up having the same best song of the decade.
32. Chat Pile, “The New World”
Their discovery of darkwave Gang of Four dissonances opened up a window to their cleansing sturm und drang but this one’s also just fast. It’s so confusing sometimes to be a dog.
31. Ice Spice, “Gyat”
Like Cardi’s “Money” or Pusha’s “Sociopath” to a lesser degree, this bonus track isn’t a standalone revelation, just an excellent deep cut that somehow got lost on the way to the album it would’ve made even better.
30. Katseye, “Touch”
So that’s what liquid drum ‘n’ bass is.
29. Charli XCX feat. Lorde, “Girl, So Confusing”
The nonexistence of Brat and It’s the Same But It Includes the Only Two Extras You Actually Need From the Extended Brat Universe is cult-pop’s biggest scandal since The Great Body Talk Director’s Cuts of ‘10.
28. Camila Cabello, “Chanel No. 5”
Eventually I’ll return to the whole album just to check but for an also-ran, she kicked off with more than one bang, in this case swathed in warped piano sonics at least as inventive and missed as Mk.gee’s Jai Paul job on Phil Collins.
27. Porter Robinson, “Cheerleader”
Speaking of sonics, here’s where I thought this console king finally found his calling for noise, particularly that circuit-bent squeal masquerading as guitar but I also dig those nanoseconds of drum rush before the tidal wave of a chorus. At first I thought the tune itself was a bit plain in spite of all that splash. Now that I know it like the back of my hand, the maybe-too-blatant surface gives way to melodic and even lyrical crevices galore to burrow into, especially “she draws me kissing other guys.”
26. Katy the Kyng, “Shithole”
Long live the self-destructing one-woman girl-group pop song.
25. Fred again.., “Glow”
Suggested AI prompt: “the best Owl City song you’ve ever heard, without vocals of course.”
24. Etran de L'Aïr, “Amidinine”
If they can harness their thundering stage presence on record, they’ll get more than a fraction of Mdou Moctar’s ink, but this is the 100% Sahara Guitar gods at their hookiest and most raucous. See it live.
23. Maggie Rogers, “Don’t Forget Me”
Before the year the decade exploded switched it up like Nintendo, we’ll always have this memento from a simpler time (but not as simple as back when she was premiering Drug Church videos): a set-ender worth howling with your normie friends, who haven’t been gifted a nice wedding-crasher romcom-revenge tune in a minute.
22. Chappell Roan, “The Giver”
I’ve never been readier to love her, so I’ll take it like a taker. She gets the job done.
21. Tyler, The Creator feat. GloRilla, Sexyy Red & Lil Wayne, “Sticky”
S/o to the man who attempted an old-fashioned dizzying, guest-stuffed spectacle rap-event song in 2024 and made it all the way to the top 10 of the Hot 100 even after release week died down. That’s how you know he’s Finally Old: marching-band sonics, concept albums, and big-tent ambitions can’t pry the kids away from 90-second blips of fleeting virality and meaningless swag. It’s getting sticky.
20. Post Malone feat. Luke Combs, “Guy for That”
Harnessed in its tightest, steeliest form, the simple pop collaboration is a casually earth-shattering way to double artistic viability, exchange strengths, sometimes even forge charisma and gravitas out of thin air for artists who struggle to matter on their own. I’m thinking of Monaleo and Flo Milli giving no fucks or the young Lil Yachty joining forces with DRAM, whose mile-wide grin is sorely missed. Team-ups keep the genre alive, along with many worthy and unworthy careers. This is one for the ages, which was all but mathematically inevitable on a collab-stuffed extravaganza where Post didn’t bet on himself at all. Almost every track he was certain he’s got a guy for that. But I’d be remiss to not admit that from “Fortnite” to yet another of Morgan Wallen’s nine lives, Post has quickly become that guy himself. As with Drake, ruthlessness is inevitably rewarded. But we all know what happened to Drake.
19. Tinashe, “Nasty”
Turns out “is somebody gonna match my freak?” is a great rhyme for both “technique,” and, if she bends you into position a little, “athlete.” If you can keep up with her unlikely chord changes, it’s her second career-best-since-“2 On”/“Pretend” in as many years. And because the strong 333 and the classic “Needs” kept pushing, this time she was finally rewarded with a hit. (And I continue to fuck with Jane Remover’s club tweaks more than her originals.)
18. The Smile, “Zero Sum”
Now we have an answer to exactly how much measurable goodwill OK Computer and Kid A bought Radiohead: 24 years before even a hint of fraying at the seams — namely, a pro-Palestine protestor here, a couple Smile albums slightly taken for granted there. But musically, Thom Yorke and especially Jonny Greenwood have never had this much fun. If you can recall the last thing either of them has done that’s this addictive, this plainly explosive to any untrained novice, you might be going back closer to 24 years than you thought.
17. Mk.gee, “Rockman”
I don’t see him getting much bigger than this on his own — maybe he’ll visit SNL again as Bieber’s axeman or become the next Antonoff figure — but it’s fun to watch a talent with a sound bask in his own glory, and even moreso when he tops a good album with an irresistible toss-off.
16. Beyoncé feat. Miley Cyrus, “II Most Wanted”
Even before I performed the exhaustive ritual of letting an inevitably long, subtext-heavy, decreasingly rhythmic Yoncé (Renaissance excepted, of course) opus/Hivemeat/academic thesis into my heart again once more, I connected with its big standout, the most ebullient rodeo ballad from a pop megalith since Lady Gaga’s “Yoü and I.” Her duet partner’s always subsidized crap (“We Can’t Stop,” “Flowers,” “Prisoner”) with gold (“Younger Now,” “Malibu,” the rest of the “Prisoner” album), and where’s her long-awaited country pivot anyway? More pressing question: is this the prettiest song by either of them…ever? That can’t be right, can it?
15. Tommy Richman, “Million Dollar Baby”
A lot more nonsensical than “Espresso” because there’s no troll angle to the words, no secret viral logic — the topline of this banger is just clinging to syllables to survive. It’s to his credit that he seems like kind of a moron; for one thing he left this off the even more surprisingly-fun unsurprisingly-panned album because he was so sure there’d be more. Back to the anonymity from whence he came then; it favors him, honestly. The disembodied quality of the falsetto reminds me of Jai Paul: beautifully layered electrofunk that just happens to be haunted by some guy.
14. Waxahatchee feat. MJ Lenderman, “Right Back to It”
One of those perfect songs that requires zooming out; comes so easy that it’s hard to notice at first that it hasn’t already been melodized thousands of times before. Of course Lenderman’s harmonies line-drive it into the neighbor’s yard. You can bet it’s in rotation on god’s Vh1.
13. Lorde, “Take Me to the River”
Can’t keep down the greatest song ever, so she manages find new pockets to sex it up, from retrofuturist bloopbleeps to bad-download fakeout bits. Juicy singing, too.
12. Dan Ex Machina, “Hot Honey”
Can’t keep down my greatest song either.
11. Shaboozey, “A Bar Song (Tipsy)”
I’d love to read a study on the two longest-running Hot 100 toppers of all-time being country novelties by Black artists incorporating at least as much hip-hop. But congratulations to this handsome guy and his runaway beaut starring the fiddler. One of those hits where the chord progression writes its own check, forever betrothed to lyrics at least 40% written by a now very-rich J-Kwon. Yes, J-Kwon sampled for the lyrics. Country already used up the brickwalled stomp-clap.
10. Olivia Rodrigo, “So American”
Everything you want from a bonus track: a miracle improves the album proper and as a bonus is faster and (maybe) rocks harder than anything on it. In fact, it’s faster than anything Paramore ever did in their pop-punk days either, which is why they don’t get a songwriting credit and also why it won’t follow “Good 4 U” to the top of the Hot 100. So what’s this thrashing new-waver about? “He says I’m pretty wearing his clothes,” “He laughs at all my jokes,” “Oh god, I’m gonna marry him if he keeps this shit up.” Euphoric motherfucking new-crush bliss. Enjoy it while it lasts, because it won’t — not at this speed anyway. And may god have mercy on our souls if it’s about Taylor’s ex.
9. Kendrick Lamar, “Euphoria”
8. Kendrick Lamar, “6:16 in LA”
Lest you (or Questlove) kid yourself into thinking hip-hop takes the high road just because it turned 50 or whatever, just rewatch episode one of Netflix’s Ladies First docuseries where 14-year-old Roxanne Shanté’s battle opponent invites her to “suck my dick and die.” I don’t know what dying planet you live on but if I’m gonna fry when the polar ice caps melt, at least I’ll have enjoyed folk hero Pulitzer Kenny landing two of his four chart-toppers (and still half of his solo two) by excoriating the people’s ex-champ Drake, who is Definitely Not Diddling Kids. Picking just one from Kendrick’s masterful 21-minute rock opera/four-act play/concept EP would be like choosing which kid gets to live. Sure, the international committee of haters chose “Not Like Us” as the pick hit to compete in the Song of the Summer triathlon, and one could make the argument these combined might be rap’s crowning achievement on the albums list instead…
7. Doechii, “Denial Is a River”
We interrupt our regularly scheduled Drake execution to bring you this special bulletin. While the Men were busy squabbling up, a new Best Rapper Alive has been crowned: Doechii the Don, Doechii the Dean, Doechii Supreme, the Swamp Ruler. She’s moving so fast, no time to process. Don’t make her turn your guts into soup beans.
6. Kendrick Lamar, “Meet the Grahams”
5. Kendrick Lamar, “Not Like Us”
…but they deserve to be honored in their brilliant original form: four deadly venoms detonated with military timing, including the relatively underhyped “6:16 in LA,” which boasts the best beat in the whole mess. Even Future’s hyped-up “Like That,” even Drake’s own too-brief brush with victory “Family Matters,” all benefit from the blast radius that got everyone fired up about event-level rap again for one jaw-dropping weekend. Our national treasure didn’t take any chances — even took a page from Machiavellian warlord T. Swift and recruited Jack Antonoff for the kill.
4. Rosie Tucker, “All My Exes Live in Vortexes”
Like a punnier Emperor X, Rosie Tucker’s greatest hit cheerfully arranges a colorful bouquet from varying shades of entropy. The “middle-sized fish” stuck in the Pacific Trash Vortex. The Amazon deliverer pissing in the bottle. The ex they imagine consuming it just to remember them as our data centers degrade. If that’s a bit much, well, they want ever-y-thing ever-y-thing everything all at once. And they get it.
3. Sabrina Carpenter, “Espresso”
In which the first smart cookie I’ve heard use the word “catastrophizing” in a song breaks into the Top Five via this Trojan horse masquerading as ChatGPT bimboism and slowly ingratiating you by way of brains that have actually blown up. The swift (not Swift) and fluid rapping matches a funk so expert it’s unbelievable to now be somewhat anomalous. The Princely synthworm leading you into the facepunch chorus, the dream-came-true’d-it-for-you, the sheer fluency of her wit, groove, songwriting, and upper hand in relationships that do apparently need keeping an eye on, it all culminates in our most likable new household name. This is her flagship moment, lighter and funnier on her feet than any of her peers. And her give-a-fucks have plenty of PTO to spare.
2. Chappell Roan, “Good Luck, Babe!”
I cannot tell a snark. For all my year-long (mostly offscreen) grappling with her kinda-mean drag shtick, lyrics that don’t always fold up neat (still unclear why she would or wouldn’t care that you’re a stoner), and melodramatic power-ballads that could’ve been an email, I have come to enjoy every single song. But I wouldn’t have put in the effort if not for this gift from the gods, this proof of extraordinary songwriting faculties and fastidiously melodic time-release bombs that have led virtually everyone I know to have deemed at least something of hers a “grower” (usually “Pink Pony Club”). Even as someone who routinely enjoys, loves, and Pazzes up-to-the-minute pop, I am not surprised that “Good Luck, Babe!” feels like an echelon of craft that is seldom reached even among the era’s titans (although who are those anyway?). Kayleigh Amstutz’s greatest hit has been covered by everyone from Franz Ferdinand to Sondre Lerche to Sabrina Carpenter to me and that’s just the people who wanted to be first. It’s not a standard in the making, it’s a standard that’s been raised. All publicly available signs point to a worrying Sinead-esque meltdown ahead, and that’s without taking the effects of the new regime into consideration. I hope she fights instead. I hope we all do. But let’s enjoy high standards of quality while we can. And let’s enjoy this absolute giant of a song.
1. Charli XCX, “Von Dutch”
It’s so obvious.